rest in peace, T.

21/04/2007 – 05/09/2022

This is my way of honoring you.

“When I think of T I think of ambitious. He always did something, he wanted to model, take pictures, start accounting with the rest of us this academic year. He wanted to travel, to road trip, to go to a sports camp. He wanted.”

Until a few days ago, I’d never known grief or mourning, I’d only ever seen it. The only close deaths I’d ever experienced were my great aunt and uncle, but I was too young to realize that they were gone forever.

Do you ever lose something and only then realize that you could’ve done something, or anything? When I found out that one of my classmates, my friend was gone, I felt guilty, shocked, confused. My friends and I could not believe it was real, and someone still thought that he’d run into class while we wept, stomping, like he always did.

I regret that I didn’t talk to him as much as I should’ve, I should’ve known him better. I should have made the time to be nicer, to treat him better. When he first came into my class, I thought he was kind of weird. But he had a genuine reason for it, and I’ve never thought that since. During that time though, I was a bit rude to him. I shouldn’t have.

I feel guilty for not checking in on him during his last week. I feel guilty that I hadn’t had proper conversations with him like I should’ve, I didn’t know him as well as everyone else did.

A month before he passed, we’d talked about photography and travelling. He told me he had wanted to become a model/take pictures and edit them. I’m so thankful that he got to take pictures and edit them like he’d wanted to. He never got to model.

When we had that conversation, I was happy, I thought that maybe I could make amends and during the next academic year I would talk to him and make conversation. But that never got to happen, and I’m so sorry for it.

He loved pictures. We would see his posts of selfies and random things he saw and thought looked good. He’d take pictures of himself and his friends, laughing and doing crazy, funny things. He had always wanted to capture every memory he had.

His death hit us all hard, I spent hours on call with my friends crying. Everyone cried. The next day, at school, not a single person was missing. We’d all come together to remember him, to mourn and to grieve together. I’m glad that we all had each other at this time.

For many hours, we all cried and cried and cried till most of us had no tears left, we sat in silence and those of us who believed, prayed. Our teachers cried silently, our mentors cried. We hugged and we comforted each other the best we could.

My friends and I looked through the pictures and videos we had of him, and our class collectively decided to make a big compilation video of all the memories we had captured. We sat down and talked about all the stories we had of him. We were living through an emotional roller-coaster that day, the laughter, the jokes, the mourning, all rolled together into one.

I’m grateful I had my class with me that day. I’m sorry for not having talked to him properly when I had the chance. I’m still in pain thinking about his family and close friends, how they must be feeling. But most of all, I’m scared, how can such good people be lost so quickly?

We’ll miss you a lot, T.

Rest in eternal peace… ❤️🕊

Featured Image: Venus on the Waves by François Boucher, 1769.

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